Being a parent messes with your mind...

Going into my third year as a father, I have learned many things. Not just about children, but about myself....

I have realized that the human body can perform quite well on a few hours of sleep. But when those few hours are broken up by a screaming child every 30-40 minutes, the human body becomes useless, especially in the late afternoon. Since our youngest is 2 months old, I figure I have about 3-3.5 yrs left of interrupted sleep, if I am lucky.

Translating baby talk to real words. Our 15 month old is trying to talk now, and I actually understand him. Our 3yr old talks a ton now, and is pretty clear. I find myself hearing "what did he say?" a lot, and I am answering without a pause "He said 'I want to ride my bike' " It's amazing how my vocabulary has adapted , or my IQ has lowered, in order to understand the little Slingers. So if I ever type in mumbled words on here, you know why.

The fact that we never go out to eat for fear that one of the kids will throw a fit. And also the fact that I have gotten used to eating so fast now because if I don't, my food will be cold after I have to deal with one of the kids. So now I eat everything so fast before it gets cold.

There was a time when I used to consider myself patient and laid back - well that all changed once my oldest son turned 3. I can usually take a lot, but for anyone that has a toddler, you know what I mean. There is a breaking point, and I have come very close to it a few times in the past year.

I used to be able to sleep through a tornado, but now I wake up so easily, it is almost annoying. I can still sleep through thunderstorms, but if one of my sleeping kids coughs, or sounds like they are waking up, I am awake in an instant. There are even times that our dog would do something and I would go into the kids rooms expecting to see one of them awake. This all ties into the lack of sleep noted above.

Once you have kids, you no longer drive with your windows down, and the heat comes on in September (same reasoning with the AC in the summer) at the first cold night, where you would normally just get another blanket. But now you have to think about if they are cold or hot.

You have to spend countless hours watching/listening to children's shows. Some of which are not bad, but others are just down right BAD. You see...when you watch something over and over and over, you start to analyze it, a lot! Examples:
1. Blues Clues - When Ryan, our oldest, was about 1 - he started watching this and loved it! It was not bad, catchy songs (of which I know them all now!) and educational themes. Counting, colors, letters, etc....but over the next year or so I started to get VERY annoyed with the whole concept. I would question everything..
-Why was Blue the ONLY thing that could not talk? Even inanimate objects (side table, mailbox, shovel and pail) could talk, but Blue had to mumble.
-How can anyone understand said mumble? How is it that Steve/Joe had no trouble understanding Blue? If that is the case, why not just have it talk like everything else?
-One episode is about things you do when you wake up. So what do they do? They talk about how you have to go to the bathroom when you wake up. That's cool, but when they wake up sidetable, and she says she has to go to the bathroom??? Come on! Not only do inanimate objects talk, but they use the bathroom too?!
This show is now on very limited rotation, although they have improved it, making Blue talk more, but still cheesy.
2. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - the boys love this show. You turn it on, and they are in a trance, kind of nice when I want to get something done. But I have issues with show too, more like questions..
-Why do Mickey, Minnie and Goofy wear white gloves? Have no answer to this, kind of dumb, but they have been that way for 50some yrs, so oh well.
-Donald is a mush mouth, sometimes hard to understand. He is a duck after all. But my question here is - How come Daisy talks perfectly clear? She too is a duck, but sounds just like Minnie.
-Pluto and Goofy are both dogs, but why is it that Goofy walks on his hind legs and talks? I guess Pluot has not evolved into cartoon human-dog yet.
3. Dora the Explorer - the boys LOVE this show as well. It is ok, but very repetitive. But I know that is what helps kids learn, is hearing things repeated, but when that damn map comes up and says the three steps about 8 times, it drives me nuts!
4. The Doodlebops - whoever the jackass was that invented this show, needs to be shot. Ryan hates it, actually says "Don't like Doodlebops" when it comes on. So that is good. But I honestly do not see how this show made it onto Disney's programming.
5. The Wiggles - kids like this show, but it too has gotten really cheesy. And these guys may or may not be gay - but what I do know is that they are geniuses. They are reportedly the richest guys in Australia. Amazing! If I knew that I could make millions dancing around, dressed like a pirate, I would have signed up right out of high school!

The worst part about all the kids shows and books is that I could be working, and out of nowhere I get the Little Einsteins (by the way, kids and I love this show) song stuck in my head! (we're going on a trip, in or favorite rocket ship...oh man!) Or I will start noticing how certain songs on the radio resemble nursery rhymes.

I love being a father, and have learned to adapt to the lack of sleep, the dirty diapers, being spit up/thrown up on; I could go on, but won't. But all those books that some Joe Schmo made millions on, do nothing to prepare a new father for all the changes he is about to encounter. All the things he will have to sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it at all, but my life is NOTHING like it was 37 months ago. I should write a book telling it how it really is, I would make millions! I should start keeping a log of all the weird crap that my kids have done to me, especially in public, and see if I can come up with a book. If I do, I will be sure to pimp all of you to buy it!

And I think I used to always see other kids, and think "good lord, my kids will NEVER do that!" - well, my kids do most of those things. It's impossible to keep your kids from doing things sometimes, no matter how hard you try. So you just deal with it and stop trying to make excuses when they are little hellions in public. No matter how hard you discipline your kids, they are going to realize how to get around it and play you, every time. So good luck for all you new or soon to be parents. The ride is rough, but when you see your kids smile at you, it is SO worth it.