TOP FIVE FRIDAYS HAS A BOO-BOO

So for the past 3 weeks now I’ve had this issue with my right leg. I woke up one morning and it was feeling stiff like I pulled a muscle. I had gone for a jog maybe 4 days before that, so it was plausible and I didn’t really give it too much thought. Next day was more intense, so I figure “It’ll have to get worse before it gets better.” No big deal. Monday morning, the worst showed up. The whole back of my calf - from ankle to knee - was swollen, hard, red and hot. And it hurt like it was in a vice grip. (You know, “Swollen, Hard, Red and Hot” would be a good name for a group of Russian Strippers)

Someone I work with suggested a bug bite, like the time her daughter was bitten by a brown recluse spider and had to get antibiotics. A trip to my doctor that day scored me some antibiotics and not much else beyond his assessment that it was infected, but no bug bite. He actually has a degree in vagueness. It’s true, I’ve seen the diploma on his wall.

One week later, no change. I’m still walking around like Robocop, and sitting around at home giving myself heat treatments, bored as hell. After canceling my appointment and making me wait two more days, Doc makes with more antibiotics. It was just a little anti-climactic. But, at least he ordered an MRI for the next day.... except that that doesn’t work for the hospital, and they make me wait a week.

I finally got my MRi yesterday, and let me tell you, that is one strange experience. I’ve never been so stressed out by just laying on a table. After the fact, it easy to think it wasn’t a big deal, but when you are there... not fun.

Here now are the Top Five Things Going Through My Head During My MRI.

1. “KILL BILL, VOL. 1”
The hard part about an MRI is, you have to stay PERFECTLY STILL. I’m kind of a restless guy. I have to get up and move every couple of minutes. I fidget. I drum my fingers. It’s annoying but hey, what can you do? Well, nothing when you’re taking an MRI. So I’m laying on the table, with things under my knees to straighten the leg, towels jammed under my back on one side to angle my leg, and my foot anchored in a plastic device to make it straight, an angle I haven’t been able to have it in for 3 weeks now.
About 5 minutes in to this thing, I get a twitch in my good leg. Seriously, it was like Kevin Bacon’s leg at the start of his dance in “Footloose.” So I start thinking “Did I mess up?” But it really doesn’t matter if it’s the good leg.
But much like little Brett Slinger wants to imitate what he sees big brother Ryan doing, my right leg gets that feeling. Apparently Gloria Estefan was right... the rhythm is gonna getcha. So now I’m freaking out a bit, trying to will my legs not to move. And all I can think of is that scene in KILL BILL VOL. 1 where Uma Thurman wakes up from her coma, kills a few guys and crawls out to the parking garage and into the truck she stole. Sitting in the back she stares at her toes trying to make her atrophied muscles move. But I was trying to do the opposite of “Wiggle your big toe.” Uma, you didn’t help. Neither did Seinfeld... I had that “jimmy legs” episode playing in my head.

2 “Man, that guy next door has the bass on the stereo up a little too much... oh wait, that’s me...”
So now I’m stressing out and in pain from the position of my leg. And I’m feeling claustrophobic even though it’s just my lower body in the machine. And there’s the noise the machine is making, despite my earplugs. And there’s that other noise... huh, that’s my heart pounding. Funny how thinking “All right, calm down” doesn’t make things all right, or calm you down.

3. “What Ramones Song Is That?”
So the only other thing in the room is the noise this machine is making. Very monotonous, not unlike the rhythm of a Ramones song. So I try to figure out which Ramone’s song. At one point I finally had the machine playing “Judy is a Punk” for me. Second verse, same as the first.

4. “Just how accurate is that X-Ray I took?”
So here’s the other thing that started the stress. Last week when they were scheduling me I was asked a series of questions. To one of them I paused, then said no. Filling out the same questionnaire yesterday I marked yes and told the woman at the desk. “Have you ever worked around grinding metals” Yes, yes I have. About 10 years ago in Sycamore. Why? Because apparently they have to take an X-ray of your eyes to make sure you don’t have metal in them. Because when the big magnet starts up, that metal can... ah, well. You know the rest.

5. “Get a New $#@&%*! Watch, Lady.”
After the 20 minute test they let me out. Man, that was a good feeling. Except I was sore from ankle to back. And then she tells me we had to do another one because my pain went further up than just the Achilles Tendon, the scan my doctor ordered. “How long is this one going to take?” I ask. “Five minutes” she replied. We’ll go ahead and call that a ballpark figure, because it ended up being 10. Awesome.

Anyway, that’s that. This mystery leg thing has gone from pulled muscle to bug bite to cellulitis to phlebitis to... Count choculitis? Government-created nano robot infection? I don’t know. But I anxiously await the test results: “Well, from the MRI, it looks like you’re just a pussy. Walk it off.”